I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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