So drunk its hurt
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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