oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
