you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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