I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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