you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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