I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
