I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
