Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
