Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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