i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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