Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
