If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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