The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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