Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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