i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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