the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
