yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
