Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
