just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
