I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
