I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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