Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
