i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
