You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
