Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
