my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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