The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
