Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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