Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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