She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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