i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
