Whod you bang
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
