we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
