We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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