So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
