What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
