im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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