Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
