U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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