the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
