Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
