My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
