He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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