I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
