I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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