Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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