Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
