Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
