She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
