Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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