Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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