I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
