the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
