Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
