Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
