That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
