a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
