I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
